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Will the Real South African Man Stand Up

I was born into a very big family; my grandfather had three wives, which meant I had a thousand uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, brothers and sisters.

My grandfather, Jacob, ran the family like the head of the mafia. There were strict rules about behaviour and responsibility. He truly believed that it was the responsibility of the stronger ones in the family to protect and defend the weaker, which is often the womenfolk.

I remember when I was young, I came home and reported that my brother was fighting with another young man in our township and my father asked, “what did you do?” I was so embarrassed that the word that would come out of my mouth: “Nothing.” This question has always stayed with me the rest of my life – the fear of doing nothing when something wrong was happening. We were always taught to love, protect and defend our sisters, to respect and honour our mothers, aunts and grandmothers. This seemed to be the natural way of how a young man should or must behave. It would be unnatural for a young man not to behave in this manner.

The time came that I had to go to school, primary, higher primary, secondary and high school, and the same values were instilled in us by our teachers. I remember an incident while I was still in high school. Three girls were sent by the teacher to fetch something from her home close by, and they were confronted by three youths who were trying to chat them up. The word came to the school that three of our students were in trouble outside the school. Because I was always the naughty one, the principal called upon me to lead the battalion of male students to rescue the girls. We chased these youths away with a little bit of rough handling and brought the girls back to the school. We were welcomed as heroes. We all felt so good about ourselves for having stood up for our fellow students.

Later in my life came the time for initiation to become a man. As young Xhosa tribesmen we would spend 6-12 weeks in the woods near the mountains after being circumcised, to become men. Our carers, amakhankatha, taught us all the lessons of life – of being a man, of being a father, of being a member of the community and of ultimately being a leader. We were told that a woman is a mother of the nation, irrespective of how young or old she might be. We were taught that it was our responsibility to defend and protect our families and our communities. We would constantly be asked to explain to the elders what it meant to be a man. Whatever answer we gave would indicate how much we had learnt about being a man. If you included in your answer to protect and defend women, the elders would nod with a smile on their faces.

I became a man and came back to the community, got married and had children – four sons and three daughters. Having observed how my own father bestowed upon us the value of the family as a unit that is the basis of any community, a strong family is a strong community. Of the things that we knew as men that we could not do, irrespective of the circumstances, was to raise your hand to a woman. I remember what my father once said to me: “Induku yomfazi ngumnqwazi.” This simply means “the stick you want to use to beat your wife is actually your hat” – meaning whenever a conflict arises between a man and his wife, the man must take his hat and go for a walk.

This stayed with me all my life. I have passed it on to my sons, my friends and anyone I come into contact with. Some men often say to me, “but you know that women are always causing trouble, challenging your manhood”, and I always say being a man is never challenged by anything that anyone can say to you.

You are a man.

South Africa before democracy had rules, structures and modes of conduct that could never be flouted by any man who was in the struggle for liberation. As we committed ourselves and our lives to the liberation of our country, we stood in those trenches and on the front lines of the liberation war with our women. It amazes me post-1994 that suddenly the women who were our comrades and compatriots, are now suddenly the victims of the same men who fought with them for liberation.

These days I am afraid to pick up a newspaper, listen to the radio or watch TV to hear how many women and children have been abused. I can’t understand how all these lessons we learnt as young men, could suddenly have no meaning or impact in the manner in which we treat women and children. How can a man abuse his wife and child? Who is this man who rapes a woman? Who is this man who rapes a child? I spend sleepless hours trying to answer these questions. I pray for the answer so I can identify this man before he commits these unspeakable acts. There must be a mark on his face, like the mark of Cain or the 666 of the Devil, which would forewarn the community to act, to counsel or help this man.

Someone said over the radio “the most frightening thing today in South Africa is being a woman”. Wow! Where are the men when women make this call? To me, this is the same call our leaders made to mobilise us as young men to fight for freedom. This is the same call that religious leaders make every Sunday for our communities to strive for peaceful co-existence. This is the same call our teachers and educators make to us in the fight against ignorance. What is it going to take for us men to heed this call?

I was in a taxi in Toronto, Canada. The taxi driver asked whether I was from Africa. I was nervous to say South Africa because I knew exactly what the next question was going to be: “Is it true that African men believe that when they rape a child, they can pass on the HIV virus to the child to cleanse themselves and be cured of the disease?” Why are there so many men in South Africa who rape women? These are the questions that torture my soul all the time. If we can call an indaba of all the learned men of our country to deal with the impact of recession on our economy, when will be the time that we will call a similar indaba to deal with this scourge?

So will the real South African man stand up? We need to stand up and be counted so that it can be clear to ourselves, our communities and the whole world that there are more of us, the good men, the good south African men, than these few who give us the bad name.

Today the worth and value of the average South African man is being eclipsed by the men who are not worthy to be called “men”. The real South African man is a man of honour, decency and self-respect. He respects himself and he respects women – the mothers, wives, sisters and daughters of this great nation. He respects the nurturing they do, and what they have done and continue to do to build this nation. A true South African man would never lift a hand to a woman, would never hurt or maim a woman, let alone a girl child. This would go against the essential grain of his very being, this would demean him as a man.

Therefore, a great injustice is being perpetrated against the real South African man by those “men” who abuse women and children.

Sadly, by the huge increase in domestic and gender violence in South Africa today, all South African men are being tainted by the same brush, by the perception that African men feel it is their right to abuse and maim.

The cry of all real men is, why? Why do some “men” – a very, very small proportion of our male society – feel that they can take their anger, their lack of self-esteem, their lack of self-respect, out on women and children ?

So in defence of our manhood, in defence of our culture, in defence of all self-respecting and honourable men in this great country of ours, will the real South African man please stand up?

DR JOHN KANI
MAN, HUSBAND & FATHER

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